20-something dumped • WTF

Emotions Experienced | SADNESS • DESPAIR • DEPRESSION • oh and a shitton of more SADNESS

Ah yes, phase one…the WTF phase. The phase you feel like you fell into a black hole and no one’s around to throw you a rope. It’s also the phase you feel like everywhere you go people must know you’re really in deep with the shit. It’s the phase my skin erupted with acne and every day I was shocked my body didn’t run out of tears. Because of all the crying my face ballooned like a round lil teddy bear, only, I wasn’t feeling cute AT ALL…like I’d imagine a tiny stuffed bear would feel. Nor did I want anyone to get close to me and cuddle. NOPE.

I was oblivious to what was coming. Only two days before the break up I wrote this in my journal…

Tuesday May 15th 2018

Today I am in much better spirits about him and I than I was this weekend. We had a serious talk about the direction of our relationships and I think I made it ultra clear that I am committed and want to head in the direction of marriage, kids, house. I needed to make it super clear and at dinner I asked if he wanted to say a toast and he said, “Here’s to keeping our relationship moving and our feet on the gas.” - I’ll take it! I’m trying to be engaged by the time I’m 30….it’s a good goal to have I think! We’ve been dating for three years in June, we’ve been living together for 2...there’s not much else to learn about each other, of course in that WHO we are isn’t going to drastically change. He asked me, “How do you know?” It’s a fair question, but it also hurts...like how do you NOT know? So I wrote him a love note…

‘Yesterday you asked me how I knew….I had a little more I’d like to add to my answer.

I know because I trust you, I know you care for me deeply and would do anything for me. I know because I love you and love being with you. I know I can count on you and I know we make a good team. I know because we are a strong and can get through anything. I know because we round each other out...what I’m good at, you’re not, and what I lack, you have. I know because you are smart as hell and will always keep me updated when it comes to current worldly events, the news and other random bits of information (some of which I think you makeup, but hey, I buy it)!

You and I can prepare for any trip smoothly and with his car packing skills we are UNstoppable. We vacation well together, we have fun and get in super silly moods, ones where only we would understand our weirdness...I love those moments. We cuddle well, somehow my body just perfectly fits inside yours (even with me as the big spoon). You listen, I talk, you talk, I listen...we’re good at taking turns and being there for each other, even if the event isn’t really our cup of tea. We support each other’s choices and care about each of our hobbies....only half the time expressing we don’t actually but we still are there for each other without a doubt. If I was in a pinch, I know you’d be there. You’re my emergency contact for MAJORITY of the forms I turn in. You answer on the first ring and you are always looking out for me wherever we go places. You get my sense of humor and I get yours. You are handsome AF and I’d like to think you think I’m pretty cute too ;)

I have more to do, more to see and more to experience in life and I want to do all of those things with you. I want a family with you, I want to buy a house with you and I know it would never feel like home unless it was with you. You may never feel ready, I almost guarantee it but this is one of those things that you have to trust. We have all the ingredients of success, ALL of them. There is no shortage of effort we have within us and both of us are stubborn as hell so I know we would stick it out through everything and have the tough conversations and do whatever we need to do to make it work. It’s never going to be even-steven, a super straight away path without any ups and downs. I think that would be silly to think….I also think it would be silly not to try. We are worth it. That I know.

I know you are perfect for me and I know I am perfect for you...flaws and all….because we know we’re not perfect people. Together we have all the tools in the toolbox to live a long, happy, fulfilled life together. The commitment is to never give up and never stop trying. Never stop caring and I know those are things we can commit to with ultra confidence. I know, because I love you more than anyone else in the world and this relationship is the most supportive, caring, loving relationship I’ve ever had the opportunity to experience. I don’t want it to stop.

Love you, Jess’

If that’s not proof of how much of a WTF moment I had two days later with the news of him wanting to part ways I don’t know what is. If this makes sense to you, send me a black heart on instagram and I’ll know whats up. Through the black hearts we create community among other people who understand.

Remedies for the WTF Phase…

Survive

Do whatever you need to do to feel okay, for me? My main priority was to pack my shit, find a new place to live and move my life into a new place. It wasn’t the time for me to FEEL anything or process…I needed to move myself into a safe place so I could then focus on getting through the transition. With my main focus being on moving my entire life, my health took a back seat. Like way back. I wasn’t healthy AT ALL during this phase. I drank A LOT. Like all day, all night kind of thing. Anything I could do to drown out feeling was my go-to. Weed, beer, whiskey, banana, repeat. I was in full-on survival mode. I wasn’t cooking for myself, I wasn’t even drinking water…I lived on bananas and beer the first week and that was as good as I could do at the time. I will be talking about the impact of these unhealthy choices and how I began the process of healing in later writing pieces. Hang tight, don’t lose hope.

Lean on Breathe Essential Oil

Breathe is the essential oil that holds space for grief. It’s a blend of Laurel Leaf, Eucalyptus Leaf, Peppermint Plant, Melaleuca Leaf, Lemon Peel, Cardamom Seed, Ravintsara Leaf, and Ravensara Leaf essential oils. When we’re sad a lot of the times our breath is constricted, leaving us hunched over and feeling sad. Use Breathe essential oil in your diffuser to fill your space with open-ness, take long deep breaths from the bottle or rub one to two drops over your chest and lungs to help with physically opening your body and allowing your breath to sooth you.

Let it Out

After the first week of beer, bananas and avoiding hellish feelings, I wrote everyday the following two weeks. I didn’t tell many people about the breakup when it happened, I was so embarrassed. My sister and friend Julie were the only two that I truly let it out with that first week of moving.

Bergamot Essential Oil

Bergamot is the essential oil of self-love. I couldn’t find the strength to love myself for a while after the break-up so having an essential oil that could support me in with that was NESS-essary.

Shop the Remedies…